Balancing Compassion and Boundaries for Effective Leadership

Transcript

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It's time to redefine leadership.

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Welcome to Modern Leadership, where we see things differently.

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We want to thank you for being here, because the world needs your leadership now more than ever.

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Let's go.

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So have you ever wanted to learn how to lead people most effectively?

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What I mean by that is is being able to get close to people, being able to feel connected with them without feeling like it's okay for them to walk all over you, and that is a topic that we're going to be talking about here today.

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Whether this is something you're struggling with in business, something you're struggling with at home, with little monsters running all over you, or you are struggling with it in your career, that's what we're going to talk about, because there is a way for you to lead people in all three of these areas in a way that will make you feel more connected than ever and not have them walking all over you, and so you can actually step into the powerful leader that you truly are.

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So how do we lead in a way that makes us feel super connected with them, and especially for those of us who are like nice leaders, without getting people to walk all over us?

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What we're going to be talking about today is we're going to be talking about the three aspects of this, so that you can really step into not only a powerful leadership role, but you can actually get it to be where people respect you.

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They have boundaries.

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You respect them, but also they feel really closely connected, almost like to the point where they realize that you really do want these goals for them, but you also have boundaries in place to make sure that they don't get out of control, right?

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Because the best thing that you can do as a leader is be in the middle of both of these places, where you're that person where they feel comfortable to have a conversation with, but you're also not that person that they're going to get drinks with or they're fooling around with and they don't really respect.

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So we're going to share three different breakdowns of what it takes in order to become this type of leader.

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We're going to talk about the mindset, we're going to talk about the tactics and we're going to talk about the accountability which is getting yourself to show up and do this, because some of you guys may know all of these things, but it's hard to get ourselves to do that, and we're going to be able to help solve that problem for you.

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So be sure to stick around to the end so we can actually break that down for you.

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So we're going to start off with the mindset piece.

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So what do people need to know how do they need to reframe what it is that they're doing?

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so they can yeah so it starts off with understanding that there's like this beautiful synergy, and it's really about understanding that you can be a compassionate leader.

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You can be a leader who understands who they are, cares about who they are and what their goals are, but then also respecting each other's boundaries.

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Anybody's goal as a leader is to find that synergy and to really expand on that and learn the skills and develop the skills to be able to continue with that.

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It's all a giant science experiment, like everything right, so you just have to try it out and see what works.

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So learn the lessons that you try to implement in this part and then learn from it.

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Yeah, jocko Willink talks about it in his book the Dichotomy of Leadership.

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Oftentimes, the beautiful place as a leader is somewhere in the middle.

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It's not somebody who's overbearing, but it's also not somebody who lets everybody do whatever they want.

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It's somebody who is not overcritical of everyone, but also someone who never brings up anything because you're afraid of what people are going to say.

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There's a place there in the middle for you to be if you're willing to lean in and to try it Now.

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I wish there was one way that we can actually do this and help everybody, but the truth is is that everybody's a different style of leader.

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Some of you guys are like I'm the kind that people tend to walk all over and we're going to have some strategies for you.

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Some of you are like I am a leader, I point in that direction and that's the direction we go, but your team is very nervous about even bringing you anything.

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Your kids probably don't even bring you things because maybe you're the fixer, like Mark, and they're like I don't want you to fix all my problems, I just want to have somebody to talk to, right, and so having this beautiful synergy somewhere in the middle is what you're going to be able to find out.

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We're going to share that with you today.

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Now I want we're going to start with both of these pieces of leadership Like the first piece, which is being nice, connected with people, having great conversations with them, getting to know them a little bit better, because that is an important part of leadership.

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So, if you find that you're on the other side, here's a couple different things that I want to point out.

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To be able to create those kind of like relationships.

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Now I want you to think about a relationship that you have in your life and it could be with a leader, and I want you to think about what it feels like when it feels like they're on the same team as you.

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It feels like they want the goals, just like how you want your goals.

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It feels like you're not just doing this by yourself.

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You feel like somebody that you can actually have a conversation with, you can actually tell when it is you're struggling and they can help bring you out.

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Now here's the thing.

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That is a process called psychological safety.

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It's creating a safe environment.

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We call it a container to actually have those conversations, because if you're the person who is too overbearing, you're actually not going to get the information that you need to effectively lead.

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I remember even working in LAPD for the people who were like the really overbearing, like the micromanagers, the ones who were telling everyone what to do.

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Nobody would ever tell them when things were going wrong or when it was a bad idea, or maybe even like when somebody's life was in danger because of X, y and Z.

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And it's crazy to even think about that, but it's what happens when you don't create a safe environment.

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I remember hearing this really early on from one of my mentors in the Dad Edge.

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He said Mark, do you want to become the person that something happens with your son and he thinks you know what?

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This just happened to me.

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My dad cannot find out.

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Or do you want to be the type of father that he goes?

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This just happened to me.

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I need to call my dad because we are going to figure this out.

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And that's the difference between creating an environment of psychological safety and creating an environment where people don't feel comfortable sharing that with you, right?

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So how we do this is we start making sure that we don't overreact when people bring us stuff.

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Here's the thing as a leader, we have to be emotionally resilient, which means maybe on the inside you're screaming and you're like what, why would you do that?

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But on the outside you have to be cool, calm and collected.

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One of the things that I think about is like I have to have the lowest heart rate and heartbeat in the room.

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Most of the time I do, because I do.

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I do some running and I get my watch, my watch notification, telling me that I'm not yeah, but um.

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But when you think about that being the lowest heartbeat in the room and you're setting yourself up by not overreacting, so when your kids, a business, somebody else in a business, partner or a client or somebody brings you something, I don't want you to go like, oh my God, why would you do that?

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Can you see what you're doing?

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You're not going to have that repeated where they're going to share that information when you want to know it and, trust me, you're going to want to know it, because if you don't know it, you can't fix it, can't make any adjustments right, and so, being attuned to this and saying, okay, I've just got to make sure I'm not the person that overreacts, that when people bring things to me, I have a level head, I'm able to communicate effectively in that situation and I want everybody to be able to win.

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The second piece of this is creating this kind of psychologically safe container is to really think about this whole process of empathy.

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Empathy is getting people to see that you're willing to see it from their perspective.

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Now, one thing is it does not mean that you believe they're right.

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Okay, so if my son is like angry or frustrated, first off, the way that my son feels is directly related to the thoughts that he's thinking.

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It makes total sense to him.

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It is not helpful for me to tell him that he shouldn't feel that way or that's a wrong way to feel, that's emotionally invalidating, and he's not going to come and trust me and even want to share that information.

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Instead, what I can do is I can understand from his perspective.

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He's angry and it makes sense, and so I would think to myself why, if I was in his shoes, would I feel angry and I would be able to get to experience a part of it from his lens.

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But it doesn't mean that I think that he's right.

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Maybe he took some actions that he shouldn't take.

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Maybe he yelled or screamed or punched something right, being able to validate them and getting them to see like I would probably feel that same exact way if I was in that situation.

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However, the actions that you take, that is not something that we can tolerate, right, and so it's a different feel because we're willing to have that conversation, we're willing to feel that empathy.

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But also feeling empathy and thinking that that means that it's okay for that person to do and take those actions is also not right.

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It is somewhere there in the middle where it's like I feel where you're coming from and I'm here to help you, and not always do I have to come up with a solution, but you can even put it back on them, like what do you think you're going to do?

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Right?

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And so being able to do this, being able to have this conversation, are ones that you can have when maybe you're a little bit too strict, maybe when you're a little bit too like people don't feel comfortable sharing things with you.

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You start by being able to meet them where they're at, by empathy, by especially when they're going through like some type of emotional experience, and also not overreacting when they bring things to you.

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Now you're creating an environment of psychological safety.

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The opposite is for people who want to create boundaries right.

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These are the people who are really good at feeling empathy.

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I mean, you jump in the pool.

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I mean you do, you're like, you're swimming in there with them, right, and you're nice.

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You're like you're.

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You don't have stringent rules, but sometimes you let people walk all over you.

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Now, when we set up boundaries, one of the most important things is we have to determine where our boundaries are Like.

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What can people say?

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What can people do?

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How close do we get?

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We have to think about that in advance.

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If we haven't, it's okay.

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But you need to now sit down and go where are my boundaries in this situation?

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Where was it crossed over the line?

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And as a leader, I shouldn't have allowed that, because I should have actually stepped up and communicated to that person that those are some boundaries, right, because there's going to be a situation when you're uncomfortable, when you're like ah, like, I should probably say something.

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But if you don't say something, it's kind of your fault that it continues to go on, because not saying anything is basically you saying that you approve of it.

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You have to remind yourself that the boundary is not just for you, it's for them too, because if they feel it's okay to do that or to say that or to treat you that way or whatever, they're going to feel the same way about everybody else and that's ultimately going to hurt them.

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Instead, being able to have this conversation, being able to set what those boundaries are and doing it in advance is really powerful.

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And communicating it so that people know where that is and then calling it out when it gets infringed right.

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The second part of boundaries, which is like actually sticking to them.

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It's probably the hardest part.

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You guys can all sit down and think about how beautiful the boundaries would be, but when somebody infringes on them, you've got to ask yourself what am I going to do when somebody infringes on my boundaries?

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And it usually means you talking up, you saying something, because, remember, it's the greatest gift that only you a great gift to give them, so they know where the boundaries are, because if they don't know, how are they even going to know what to do and what not to do?

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It's not fair to them 100%.

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So those are two tactics for you to lean in to become this most effective leader.

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Now there's a third part, because if you get these first two parts, you got the mindset of, like there is a beautiful synergy in here in the middle.

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I'm going to practice, I'm going to think about what it is that I do as a leader.

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I'm going to think about my strengths and my weaknesses and I'm going to make sure that I'm constantly growing and not making this mean something about me or about the other people that I'm leading.

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I'm actually just going to find the synergy for me and then taking these two tools that I just gave you the psychological safety, the empathy and really being able to develop yourself into a more effective leader is awesome, but if you don't have a way to get yourself to do it, that's where we're kind of like missing out on.

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So let's talk about the third piece, which is accountability, which I think is really honestly, the most important piece of all.

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So how do you get yourself to be an effective leader?

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Because it's those times when you feel most comfortable or uncomfortable that it's time to step up and actually step into your leadership role.

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So how do you get yourself to do that?

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Yeah, so, like Mark was saying, you know it's not just about knowing what to do, it's actually doing it, because that's where you learn.

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And the biggest piece here with accountability is to find someone else another team member or a mentor that you can bounce these things off of, because you know, being a leader isn't about having all the answers.

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Being the leader is knowing that you can find the answers if you don't have them, so that you can help the people, that you can find the answers if you don't have them, so that you can help the people that you lead.

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So finding a mentor where you can discuss some of these things that are happening and then really commit to learning Like we're lifelong learners, so being committed to learning the lessons and learning what you can do better is really key.

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You know, being a leader is not just about you growing as a leader and not just having followers.

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It's about actually lifting up other leaders.

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So, as you do this, as you practice, as you, you know incorporate these tactics and you know bounce ideas off of other mentors you become a better leader, but you also teach others how to be better leaders, right?

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So you're lifting other leaders.

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You're creating and developing other leaders yourself.

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I love that.

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I love that.

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I love that.

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That's another powerful story to tap into is when I actually set these boundaries in place, when I follow these three things, not only do I become the leader that I want to be, but I actually become the leader that other people will want to follow, and I duplicate myself instead of having to all do it myself.

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I love that, yeah.

Balancing Compassion and Boundaries for Effective Leadership

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